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Wedding falling apart

F, 25

Dear Dr. Neil, I am in a marriage relationship. We were in college together, I was madly in love with her and spent every effort I could to seduce her. I have to admit that I am a little bit on the artsy, wild side, while she is much more conservative. She was reluctant in the begining, but after seven months of me waiting and fighting, we started a relationship. During this period of seven monthsI felt passionate, at the limit of being obsessed by her. Since, we came back to my hometown, got married. Our marriage was not a doubt in our minds but was hastened by the social pressure around us as I come from a very conservative background. We got married, lived a while on my parents estate and finally moved out to our own villa. Our relationship has been becoming dull. I am a very active person in business and I entertain often long conersations with people. On the other hand, she has become more and more recluse, without a job, without the desire to find a job, sleeping until afternoon, then lazying around the house. She let herself go a lot and as a result I also became a stranger to her as I work early and long hours as I own and manage my own multi-branch office. A few months ago, while on a business trip I met a young woman with whom I had an affair. She brought back the folly in my life, she drove me to realize what a dull life I was leading and how much she was similar to me. We met a few times on trips and had a very strong relationship, intellectually, emotionally and sexually. A few days ago, my wife found out. She started by wanting to divorce, then after some talk we said we will think of working out our marriage, but she kept constantly changing her mind about that. Today, she went on a trip and I am supposed to join her in a few days. We want to think each on our side for the steps to take. We both love each other but also realize that it is impossible to change our lives that fast. She wants me to quit my job, close my business, follow her into another country and get a job. This change involves a lot of responsibility, a lot of sacrifices for her and also for me. She comes from a divorced marriage, where the situation was similar to ours and she sided with her mother a lot. She is injured but maybe will give it a try. I do not know what to do because I am confused in my feelings, I am lost. I see three options in front of us: - We divorce and each tries to live his life. Feelings will remain, it will be difficult but eventually, as we are still young, we will both get over it ! - We try to give it a chance but with the risk that the relationship may blow up any time as some changes required are too radical, some injuries are too deep. - We divorce and I try to live with the other woman. Please help me by giving me some advice or pointers as I will be following my wife soon for us to talk in a neutral ground and settle things in between us!

Dear F - You are very poorly matched as people and I think you ought to look hard at what brought you to marry her. I would say get divorced and get some help for yourself because you really made a strange chocie in marrying her and now in having an affair you have simply taken the icing off the cake, so to speak.

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